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The wisdom of God surpasses all our understanding and sometimes we want to question not only him but also life. One of the most significant moments in the word of God was when he responded and said I am the I am. God’s thoughts are not our thoughts and neither are his ways ours, if they had to be the same he would not be God.
For the rest of my life I believe I will always be questioned about the reasons why I am in ministry or why I chose to serve God. Some will ask for the purposes of genuinely wanting to know and some will ask to feed their skepticism, either way it will be a lingering question for the most part of my life.
As a servant of God I am called to serve first before anything else and sometimes serving means you have to allow doubters to put their fingers through the holes in your hand just as a way of convincing them that you are truly who you say you are. Questions and criticism used to hurt me and I would wonder why people could not understand me, until such a time when God himself had to set me straight.
I was born placed in such a way that I can and could be anything I want in the world. If I was after fame I could have pursed real fame giving endeavours. Sometimes I just wonder how the world can accept you when you are doing anything else but when you do something positive or that will change lives in a good way the world will fight you and everything that you are doing. After some time it made sense to me, we are in this world but we are not of this world. From the day I chose to follow Christ I became a victim of my environment and of those in it.
I started serving in the church as an usher this is some 11 plus years ago, I served as an usher and because I could not sing, this was all I did and i become very good at it. Our church was quite small and I remember after some conferences my legs would be swollen from running around because more people would have attended and I would be one of a few people doing all the running around in the house of God. I was never promoted from being an usher because there were very few available people to fill my role however, I also became a secretary, I served in that role for a few years as well as being an usher, none of my roles or responsibilities were ever removed, I was just also given the role of being the church treasurer. So at some point I was an usher, the treasurer as well as the secretary.
The first day I was asked to minister for 10 minutes during our regular church service, I believe I was only 19 years old and my pastor said the Lord had told him he would give me a word. I remember standing in front of the church without any clue how people would react to what I had to say. I stood in front and by the time I put the mic down everyone was on their feet, I still could not believe what had just happened. This was the day that I truly realised that God will use the foolishness of this world to confront the wise. While the rest of the people could sing I couldn’t, so I was never the one in the front but always in the back running around.
From that day God started his process with me, I would minister at different occasions and all this while it never really dawned on me that this was exactly what God wanted me to do. My gift of being able to relate to anyone from any background or walk of life was given for a reason, but I never knew this. Each time I ministered God shocked me by showing up and showing off. It eventually became apparent that this was not about me but about him. I could have never in my own capacity have been able to do the things I would do and speak the revelations I spoke had the Lord not been the orchestrator.
I continued to serve and sometimes I would get caught up in wanting to be young, going out with friends, hanging out like all the other young people were doing. But I would always be in church still worshiping God every Sunday. At some point the whole idea of being “called or chosen” became very distant to me because as far as I was concerned when you are called you had to be a specific way and this was me disqualifying myself before anyone ever attempted to do it. I had my little life going, a brand new car, an apartment, a good paying job and I was in university.
Then one day God decided to slap me. He took everything away from me. When I say everything this includes people that I would have normally called on had a crisis ever occurred. They could afford to take care of me above and beyond but for some reason God hardened their hearts. For two and a half years I went through a wilderness only those that watched me while I was in it can best describe it. God removed the car that I used to go out, the job, the school fees, everything and there I was left alone with only but one option, to seek God.
When the enemy comes in like a flood you forget you can swim. I forgot all the scriptures at first, I forgot I could pray. I had no social life so all I had were my little roles in the church. So I started serving, I served and during my time while I was serving, God began to remove my past mistakes, he began to teach me his word, he began to use me in his house and I remember being referred to as “the church nun”. I was at every service, every meeting and even the praise and worship practise and yet I didn’t sing.
God rewards those who diligently seek him. I began to seek God’s face, to recite the scriptures and I meditated on God’s word day and night. There was no situation I did not have a scripture for. Even after all this, I was still in my situation. Some people change and as soon as they feel they have done enough they want their problems to evaporate, but God was not finished with me yet. It was in this time that I got the vision for Help us help ourselves as well as the confirmation of the calling on my life. When God wants you, you can have ideas and things you want but his ways are not ours.
My plans were to be in the entertainment industry, I even interviewed some well know famous and powerful people as a director of my own TV network and at one point also featured in a music video. I had real great connections in the industry but God said no. So I started searching for the YES.
For me to step out now, after I have been under God’s shadow, after I had already ministered, served and I was groomed was not so hard. I faced criticism from the first day I started ministering, I remember some church members made a home visit to my pastor to ask him why he had put me on the program, this was before they witnessed what God had in store for me and also them.I learnt how to deal with it because God knew one day he would want to expose me and for as long as he had prepared me before I would be okay. Every soldier has to first qualify, get trained then be sent into the battle field.
I am forever grateful to the people of my church, Awake Grace ministries, they kept me, shielded me and taught me to love God in a way that I never knew I could. They are more of my family than just people I go to church with. Even up to today I can be in Awake Grace ministries and be at home, some people left the churches that brought them up in a war and they are not even able to go back. I still sit in Awake to be ministered to even though I can minister as well, I am a child of God and there is nothing that can ever make me feel anymore special than anyone else.
Today I get a lot of people questioning why I chose to be in ministry and the only answer I can give is God chose me first and who am I or who are you to question him. I love God and I love his people so much. I did not just wake up to be here and had I chose to walk in my own path I would have been a media mogul instead. I chose God and I’m glad that those that have come in contact with my ministration have been witnesses to the call of God upon my life.
Although I could not write everything in this one blog, I believe this will be one of many blogs about my journey. Very soon it will become more apparent as to why God called me. God bless you for reading.